Friday, April 1, 2016

Weather Change - Manic

The weather changes, and I change.

Before I notice it, I have to show signs.

I couldn't sleep the other night so I went out for a drive. I had a lot going on and wanted to clear my head.

For some reason, I thought it'd be fine to take a long drive at 4:30 am in the morning in the heavy rain when it was dark. "Because I wanted to clear my head."

I took a wrong turn, went to turn around, and took a nose-dive into the ditch with the car I bought less than two years ago.

I didn't know what to do. I mean, I wasn't  stuck, but I had popped my bumper and definitely ruined the underside.

So I went to work and gave my husband some ridiculous excuse and lied about what I really did.

He shows up at my work, took a look at my car, and asks me if I was sure that was what happened.

I just told him the truth at that point.

It hit us both at the same time. I mean, I hadn't really displayed signs up until now. It was only really the first night I couldn't sleep.

Why is it I have to see the "signs" before I catch I'm becoming manic?

Isn't just dealing with it good enough? No! Not at all! I have to haul off and do something in order to see the changes otherwise I don't know about it!

Secondly, why does the weather, just simply changing seasons, have to trigger a mood change?

Medicate me all you want, I'm still going to change because of the weather.

Each year is a learning experience because each year I do something different. It's never the same. Each year I just "do better than last year".

I'm on 5 different medications. All help "stabilize" me.

I've tried almost every medication in the book. I know them all. I'm on the best "cocktail" I've ever had and it STILL ISN'T ENOUGH.

I keep myself in therapy even when I feel it is pointless. I figure she'll be my biggest ally when I do hit a mood episode. I continue going regardless if I think I need it or not.

Doing everything right, but it still doesn't stop me from getting those highs and lows.

I'm a high-functioning bipolar person. I'm thankful, but I belong in an institution  sometimes.

And this manic phase is worse than depression because it takes a toll on my marriage. All episodes do, but this one more-so.

And it's because of the weather. I have to suffer because of the weather, the seasons. It's honestly nothing else. I have nothing else going on to cause it.

Dare I say the truth?

Truth: Sometimes I wonder if I should just kill myself because it can suck so bad.

The fights, the racing thoughts, the irritability that I cannot help, try as I might I cannot sleep.

I still need to go to work irritable and strung-out because I need to pay for the car I just ruined yesterday.

Sometimes, I simply go to therapy to just get IT ALL out...

At times I'm tired of trying so hard, harder than others, to maintain self control and keep this bipolar buttoned-up.

It isn't my fault. I didn't do anything wrong. There's nothing "new" going on except Spring/Summer is coming.

I cry at those times when I cannot deny how I really feel. Those moments that I need to allow myself to have to just reset my mind.

I'm sick of having it harder than others to maintain a healthy, stable, normal life.

I wish I could just have it.

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